mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
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