dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
Randomize
