i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
the guy next to me needed a pen, so I let him take one from my book bag. my panties are now being passed around the class...thank you for telling me you hid them in my bookbag.
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
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