brad dismisses pussy with prejudice
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Randomize
