Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
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