i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Randomize
