Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
Randomize
