remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
So today I found out that our school is known as the herpes school
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
Randomize
