Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
Randomize
