Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
Randomize
