the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Randomize