Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
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