I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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