I think im going to throw up on grandma
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
I suggest both. Please have sex with them and prepare notes for a final comparison.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
Randomize
