Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
