we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
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