mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
Randomize
