Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize