i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
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