Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
So what happened? Or does sex + ramen pretty much cover it?
Randomize