I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
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