I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
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