Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
Where are you guys?
Drunk
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Randomize
