I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
They left me at home... I'm a liability
Randomize
