Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
Randomize
