I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
