Your face is a jimmy john
we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
Randomize
