Don't know whats worst me sharding on her a bit or her believing me when i told her she did it...
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Randomize
