so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
Just calculated that for my last final tomorrow I need 120% to improve my grade and 53% to keep it..buying 30 packs now, go get dressed
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Randomize
