He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
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