i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
her name is jenna, so i wanna cunt punt her
that's how i am about ashleys and britneys
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
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