Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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