I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
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