jackpot. dress really slutty so he knows you mean business
Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
