i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
Michael Bay diarrhea
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
Randomize
