she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
Randomize
