I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
Randomize