The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
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