you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Randomize
