That level of neurosis does not find love outside of Grey's Anatomy.
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
Someone stole a lamp last night.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize