Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
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