Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
Randomize
