So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
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