the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Randomize
