Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
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