final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
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