Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
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