My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
Randomize
