I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
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