Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
I just got carded by a ten year old.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
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