New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
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