Having a random hookup so left but love u
My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
Randomize
