i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
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