3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
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