M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
i just had sex bonerless
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
The streets are paved with hand jobs
Randomize
