She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
Randomize
