The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
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