He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef
Yo quero taco bell
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
Randomize
