On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
Randomize