Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Hahahaha do you think bella ever gave edward head?
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
Randomize
