God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
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