Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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