so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
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