So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
Randomize
